Thursday, March 14, 2013

Bills' Food & Drink: Nothing like a $125 steak cooked well done

Bill's (Mar 2013)

57 E 54th St
New York, NY

Sameer: [cow-less] - Rib-eye (medium rare), porterhouse for 2 (rare), delmonico strip (rare) - Jesus, once again a steakhouse fails to meet even the most basic of its functions.  First, Cole's could not deign itself to admit their seating mistake.  Now, Bill's could not cook four (as porterhouse was for two) steaks - yes, count them - FOUR - steaks properly.  We're not talking about the borderline rare spilling into medium rare.  We are talking about a rare strip being cooked medium+.  Nor did they even bother to slice our steaks as requested.  Maybe Jeff's request for letting them rest before slicing threw them off, maybe there was a coincidental mix up with a nearby dude-heavy table that received our actual steaks.  Maybe communism would have panned out.  It's all theoretical bullshit.  The reality was that the waiter was afraid of us by the middle of dinner because they fucked up every possible order.  Sending us additional sides to appease us, even though there was no show from the maitre'd (an absolute disgrace I think), whose solution when I finally requested his presence, was to offer 5 men who just gorged on steaks and additional apps, free dessert.  That's right, 5 men spent $250 on wrongfully cooked steaks and this genius's solution is to provide us a $10 chocolate brownie like we are menstruating sorority girls.  (Editor's note: he did take the steaks off the bill after some polite discussion).

I am not even going to debase myself by reviewing the steaks when 2 hours into dinner they finally arrived properly, except to say they were fine.

1st rule of SOTM club: you DO NOT talk about SOTM club
2nd rule of SOTM club: you DO NOT talk about SOTM club
3rd rule of SOTM club:  you DO NOT go anywhere that has less than 6 months of operating under its belt

Jeff: [zero cows] - at least the restaurant looked nice. Like an uptown Keen's, but less history, and no aptitude for selling  cooked slabs of meat. I love people, you know. I love them and all their foibles and flaws and fears of commitment to other flawed people. so I don't have a problem with people fucking up orders. I don't have a problem with the bus boy bringing our order to the wrong table. It happens, we are human. 

The unforgivable error here is their clumsy remedial course of action.  Make it right, by gods.  Is not the central tenant of hospitality: Measure your apologies in fluid ounces of alcohol?! I know one of us ordered a beer, out of three whiskys, but did we look like tee totalers? Don't whisper in hushed tones to the bus boy that they fucked up and then pray no one notices or complains like a coward. I have received more earnest apologies from a McDonald's clerk that gave me wrong sauce for my chicken mcnuggets. Grab the fucking rudder and steer hard in the right direction, towards competence, towards excellence, towards giving people an honest goddamn meal for their money.